I read an article in The New York Times on Sunday about doctors who work on retainer.

A patient pays an annual fee (ranging from $1,000 to $10,000 or more) and gets round-the-clock access to the physician of their choice. No more "the doctor can see you the second Tuesday in January." No more wasted time in the waiting room. You essentially have your own private physician, available to you 24/7/365.

These "private doctors" limit the number of patients they see, insuring that they are able to give immediate attention to a "subscriber" whenever necessary.

This is a fabulous idea. But why should it be limited to doctors?

Beginning today - November 1, 2005 - I will be offering my services as a "private writer" to a select, elite clientele!

Are you an intelligent, college-educated professional who can't put together two coherent sentences? Do your emails look like an exercise in an E.S.L. class?

Then why not give Will McKinley a call?

How many times have you sat in front of your computer wishing that you had paid more attention to things like spelling, grammar and creative writing?

Now you can stop wishing!

Need to write an important memo to the boss? Let me handle it! A "Dear John" note to a tiresome, soon-to-be-former spouse? Give Will a call! How about a witty line or two for a birthday card? I'm all over it.

Maybe you're thinking, "What do I need a private writer for?"

You see, right there is your problem in microcosm! You ended that interrogative sentence with a preposition. That's a grammar no-no!

What you really meant to say was, "For what do I need a private writer?"

Now that's a GREAT question, written by a GREAT writer!

Not long ago a friend of mine (we'll call him "Dave") felt the same way.

Dave had been dating his girlfriend Becky for almost five years, and Becky was getting impatient waiting for Dave to pop the question. Dave loved Becky very much. That wasn't the problem. The problem was Dave. Dave is a guy. And guys just don't know how to be all sappy and romantic.

But I do!

Dave gave me a call and, within minutes, he had a beautifully written proposal in his email in-box. Needless to say, it worked! Dave got down on one knee, and Becky wept with joy. In fact, Becky said that she had never heard anything so beautiful in her entire life! She even told her Mom, her sisters and all her friends about it.

Slam dunk, Dave!

But the service didn't stop there. A few months later Becky decided that that she and Dave should write their own vows. What a nightmare! Most guys would rather write their own death certificate! Thankfully, I am not most guys. I will write vows that will make every woman at that wedding wish they had chosen you!

And when it's time to have kids, I'll write the birth announcement! I'll even take care of those pesky book reports and college application essays!

I know what some of you are thinking.

"That's a great story Will. But I have no intention of getting married or having kids anytime in the near future."

That's a great point. But here's another great point. Have you ever thought about WHY you're single? Maybe you don't have a good pickup line. Or maybe your Match.com profile just doesn't cut the mustard.

Done and done!

How many times have you sat in front of your computer laboring over such questions as, "(blank) is sexy. But (blank) is sexier!" While you are fighting writer's block, people are actually HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS with people they met on the internet!

But you can't even get someone to write back to you! Why do you think that is?

I'll tell you why. Those other people have private writers working for them!

And why shouldn't you? The Holidays are coming. Think about all those Christmas cards you're going to have to write!

Better yet, don't think about it. Call Will McKinley - your own Private Writer!

("Private Writer" Services are available for an annual subscription fee, or on a fee-for-service basis. Financial Aid available for those who qualify. Past performance is no guarantee of future results. Will McKinley makes no promise that anything he writes will result in sexual intercourse . For more information send an email to will@willmckinley.com. Sorry, no C.O.D's!)


At 11/04/2005 07:35:00 PM, Blogger missbhavens said...

I may need to hire a private writer. I have this problem abusing commas and parentheses.


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