Dear New York Times:
Hello! How are you? I am fine!
Let me begin by saying how much I enjoy your fine newspaper offerings. I enjoy buying The New York Times each morning on my way to work. I enjoy paying four times as much as people pay for The New York Post, because I am four times smarter than people who read The New York Post!
Don’t get me wrong. I read The New York Post. But I read it with a great sense of irony. You might say I read it “with my tongue firmly eggplanted in my cheek.” Except for the Horoscope. Sally Brompton’s Daily Horoscope is always right and I am not kidding about that! I know you guys work for The New York Times, but you should really check it out.
Another thing that I like to read in The New York Post is Page 6. Have you ever read that Page? If you want to, don’t look for it on Page 6! Or even Page 7, or 8, or 9! Page 6 is actually on Page 10! I wonder if that is a mistake, or if they are just trying to be exclusive like fancy discoteques that have no sign over their door?
Anyway, Page 6 has many articles about famous people. Like did you know that the Super Model Kate Most has an addiction to cocaine?! Kate Most Likes Candy - Up Her Nose! Ha! That would be the type of headline they would put in/on the Page 6 (which, as stated earlier in this letter, is actually located on Page 10!)
But I digest. Today I am writing to you about the new section of The Sunday New York Times Magazine. The section is called “The Funny Pages.”
I think this section is not named well, or as well as it could/should be! For example, when I turn to the Funny Pages in The New York Post (which I read ironically) I enjoy a comic book called Garfield. Garfield is a comic book about a cat (named Garfield) who thinks many funny things in his head, because he cannot speak, because he is a cat! But he sure does love to eat lasagna, which is funny because I didn’t know cats liked Italian food! I once tried to feed my girlfriend’s cat Reggie Spaghettios, but he did not like them at all!
Anyway, I opened up to your new “Funny Pages” section and no Garfield! Not even “Cathy!” (She just got married, after all these years! Congratulations Cathy!)
Instead of those funny comic books, you have a comic book called “Building Stories.” “Building Stories” is a comic book about a building who thinks many funny things in his head, because he cannot speak, because he is a building. So in one sense it is like Garfield, in that sense of thinking funny things in his head (maybe not his head, because buildings don’t have a “head” unless you are like my Uncle George and you call the Boy’s Room “The Head!”)
But that is where the similarities end. I had problems reading “Building Stories” because it was kind of hard to think about a thinking building because I do not think a building actually thinks.
So, I asked somebody who I work with (his name is Douglas) about buildings thinking, and he said that the writer was “anthropomorphizing” the building.
Boy is Douglas smart – because he is from England! I never even heard about that word before Douglas said it to me in the Break Room on the third floor of the building we work in (which is definitely not a “thinking” building!). But I checked up on anthropomorphizing on dictionary.com and it is a true word which means “to instill human characteristics in non-human things.”
Now, hold the phone! That is exactly what they do in “Garfield!” So maybe next week you can run “Garfield” instead of “Building Stories.” If not, maybe you can just add a thinking cat who lives in the thinking building!
You know what I always say? “Double the anthropomorphizing, double the fun!”
See you in The Funny Pages!
William McKinley, Jr.
New York City