BAN THE BABIES
On Wednesday night I flew from Orlando to Newark on Jet Blue.
I've been flying in and out of Orlando for work for more than a decade. For millions of American kids, Orlando is home to Mickey Mouse and Grandma and Grandpa, so I know to expect children on these flights. But this was ridiculous. Half the people on the flight were under four years old. It was like a flying daycare center. I should have known something was up when the flight attendant made the following announcement:
Federal law prohits disabling, tampering with or destroying smoke detectors in the potty.
On my ticket, in the area marked meal service, it said "snack." And when Snack Time came the flight attendants came around with Animal Crackers and apple juice. Then they dimmed the cabin lights. I think that was Nap Time.
In addition, on Jet Blue, each seat has a personal video monitor with 32 channels of Direct TV satellite programming. These channels include Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network, so you can watch Spongebob and Dora the Explorer for the entire flight.
You would think all this catering to single-digit-aged passengers would keep them happy, content and quiet for a two hour flight. But you would be wrong.
I was sitting in the fifth row, near the front of the plane. The crying started in the seat behind me, with a little blonde-haired girl. And then it spread across the aisle to her brother. Then, row by row another wailing voice would be added.
It was like doing the wave at a sold-out baseball game - only much louder.
Then the crying turned into screaming: long, deep, throaty, lusty, blood-curdling screaming. Once one of them screamed, all of them began screaming. It was like a symphony of shrieking. And they were all competing to see who could be the loudest.
I don't know about you but I feel strongly that, in these politically troubled times, the sound of human screaming on American airplane flights needs to be avoided at all costs.
A generation or two ago, Americans used to be able to smoke cigarettes on planes - even on short duration, domestic flights. But eventually enough people complained and smoking was banned.
It's time to do the same thing with babies. If you want to show off the new little human being you created to your parents in Florida, then fly Grandma and Grandpa to your house. A couple days in the cold isn't going to kill them.
I am not an angry, bitter, single New Yorker/baby-hater. I love babies. I'd like to have one of my own some day. I don't know when that day will come, but I do know one thing:
I'M NOT BRINGING MY BABY ON A PLANE! AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU!
Babies do not belong on planes. They don't want to be there - and the rest of us don't want them there either.