GOING THE EXTRA FOOT
Now that I've been back from Las Vegas a while, people ask me if my gambling addiction has worn off.
And the answer is yes. And no.
I haven't lost any money in the last fourteen days. That's a good thing, since I managed to lose more than $1,500 in six days in Vegas. I really couldn't keep that pace up much longer.
But I haven't stopped gambling either.
When I was leaving Vegas I bought a pack of playing cards. And just about every night since then I've been playing gin with my ex-girlfriend Maggie.
And the stakes are higher than they were at any table in any casino.
Maggie and I usually play best-of-five tournaments, and we name our bets at the beginning of play.
For example, Maggie won last Friday night. And I spent more than an hour cleaning her apartment from top to bottom. I wish that had been an option for me in Vegas! I would much rather have done the dishes at the Paris Hotel than give them my money. I would have gladly spent a day in indentured servitude in return for a night at the craps table.
I wouldn't have offered to do the laundry, though. I have a pretty good idea what goes on in hotel rooms in Sin City, and I don't want to be the guy who washes those sheets. Unless they outfitted me with some kind of bio-hazard suit.
The best thing about my new career as a card sharp is, I'm finally on a winning streak!
I've won more times since I've been home than I did in my entire stay in Vegas. What have I won, you ask?
When a guy plays cards with his ex-girlfriend, and they are naming the stakes, what do you think the guy would be playing for? Hmmm? Think about it. Did you get it? Of course you did.
A foot rub!
Don't judge me people. I'm a straight man. I have certain biological needs. If I don't get a foot rub on a regular basis I get all depressed and mopey and short-tempered. And I end up trying to rub my own feet, which makes me feel dirty.
I've gotten more foot rubs from my ex in the past two weeks than I've gotten in the past two years! But the best thing is when we play double-or-nothing. If I win then she has to rub both feet! I'm in 7th Heaven!
Here's the way the foot rub goes down: I lie back and Maggie slowly peels off my tube sock. Then she works some lotion into her soft hands and picks up my limp foot and begins to gently fondle it. She starts with slow, rhythmic strokes, up and down, up and down. Then she begins to pick up the pace. After a while she's just stroking it up and down, faster and faster and then...it's done.
It feels so good.
Sure it's fun to throw away your money in the casinos of Las Vegas. But all you're going to win is more money. What are you going to do with that?
Why not dig out that old deck of playing cards, grab your current (or former) significant other and start your own game of foot rub gin!